Bandwagon Test

After reports earlier today that Durex are looking for condom testers, there has been the predictable outcry against this sort of thing from the masses. Luckily once a company spokesperson made it clear to the public that they weren't testing their product on animals, most of the hubbub died down.

Is it so ridiculous to find out these products need testing at all though? After all everything needs testing once in a while, after all how will you know your product still works otherwise? I personally have been a tester for many fine products you find on the marketplace today, carving an illustrious career out of such a niche skill of noticing when something is wrong.

I got my break initially when I was a cat-food tester, which I suppose was something that I had to thank the animal testing brigade for, although some of them were clearly jealous as they had wanted this lucrative job themselves - with one protester telling me it was the entire reason they joined Greenpeace, so they would have a shot at the now infamously lucrative Felix contract of '02. As you can imagine this was my dream job at the time - much like being a chocolate tester I couldn't get enough of the stuff but predictably after 18 months I was sick of the stuff and I left.

After this I moved on to testing Pregnancy test. "Testing a test? Ridiculous", you may think - and in all honesty it was because every test which I had used turned out to be broken and soon after the company went bust and I was left without a job and sadly without a child.

This turned out to be a blessing in disguise though as I became chief tester of coffins at the world's leading coffin producer in Somerset (Advertising laws prevent me from mentioning the name of the company on here, but it's obvious to everyone who I mean - Who else could it be??!!!). This was the best I could have hoped for, the biggest quality control gig in the land. This job involved ingesting small doses of cyanide so I would be temporarily dead for any length of time up to 5 months while I would be buried in a real life graveyard at which point I would be dug up and write the report on what I found. I regrettably gave this up when it was found to be illegal and everyone in the company was jailed for 10 years, while I was still testing the new Bonebox Extreme 42x. The joke was on them, however, as I got to keep the Bonebox for my own funeral - FREE OF CHARGE!!