It has been well publicised over the last few days that some of the world's favourite cartoons, in particular Tom & Jerry, are to have scenes cut out of them which "glamorise" smoking all thanks to one solitary complaint to OFCOM. However I can now exclusively reveal that the lone complainer was infact me. You see the effect and influence that these cartoons had on me as a child was an immense, and ultimately life threatening one. Many people have questioned my decision to complain in the media over the past few days, but anyone who takes a look at my thoughts in an early pre-internet version of Bandwagon Best (also known as my 1994 diary) they will see how easily animation can ruin lives. It's lucky then that this website has the exclusive serialisation rights to this diary – read on and be convinced.
10th January 1994 – A new trend has immerged over the Christmas period with all of the cool kids at school – Smoking. I was so close to finally penetrating their inner ring of coolness, as I had completed the Power Ranger Pog collection over the holidays with my shiny slammer featuring Tommy the Green Ranger stomping Alpha to death whilst Zordon looks on in relief that he doesn't have to suffer that annoying voice any more. Apparently though I'm over a month too late as this new fad has taken over. Prior to today I hadn't really heard of smoking before – it seems to be a pastime in which you shove a phallic symbol into your mouth and set it alight (presumably a metaphor for an STD. I'm unsure which specific one, but I have it narrowed down to three) to induce coughing. Seems pleasant enough, although I was brave enough to ask for a try as teacher seemed to disapprove. If she doesn't think it's cool then surely it can't be. I'll research further.
11th January 1994 – Whilst researching all of the trendsetters on TV last night I noticed none of them mention this apparent smoking fad. I would have thought if it had been a major fad then people like Wizadora and Bananaman would be advocating it at every single opportunity. Thus I must wait a little longer if I want some fag action.
12th January 1994 – REJOYCE, finally I have found some convincing evidence about this new habit. Whilst watching Cartoon Network and a particularly engrossing episode of Tom & Jerry I found that Tom himself smokes to impress girls. As per usual T&J has come up trumps as I always follow fashions started by that cartoon, such as never dropping white mice from a great height in case they explode and teaching my own cat to play the piano. Plus it accurate portrays lessons that the real world teaches us, such as violence is always the answer – look at both world wars, we got exactly the results we wanted from that and so do these cartoon critters. As if that wasn't enough it was also glamorised by such cartoons as The Flintstones and The Jetsons (that Elroy Jetson is a right little puffer). My mind is made up, smoking is the lifestyle choice for me.
For the next few years I followed my life to the tee through the cartoon method. At first it was all laughs and smiles – what else could a life based on a cartoon be. But then a few years ago I became a jabbering wreck, as you can see from the picture below…
This night where I saw an attractive girl walk buy shortly after my mortal enemy tried to finish me off once and for all, I knew it was too late for me to change my ways. So I thank OFCOM, I may never recover, but I hope the souls of a whole new generation are saved thanks to my actions.
