Pope & Glory

The Pope today apologised for his offensive comments which have seemingly angered many around the world. He said that the inspiration for his comments was last night's episode of hit comedy "Extras", and that "I was being ironic - Gervais gets away with racsim with that excuse, and so should I. People shouldn't take things so personally".

Here at Bandwagon Best we like to give the full story to our readers, so below is the controversial statement in full.

Take My Death Away

Justice prevails at last, as you may have heard today as some of the most outstanding human beings on this earth, avenge the death of Steve Irwin. This isn't totally unheard of, of course. When a major figure dies it sure is hard to move on, as we have seen via these avengeful folk in the past...

The Death of Elvis



The Death of Kurt Cobain



The Death of Diana



...and so on

Headline of the Week

Return of an old favourite today (ahem), showing the same amount of sensitivity and tact as our previous two entries

Baby Has Face

Shock reports coming in today that a baby born a few months ago does indeed have a face. When the baby was first born it was questionable if she had a face or not, most presumed not - as is the norm for a newborn Human. However this particular baby has defied all the odds to have one.

A doctor told Bandwagon Best earlier today; "It really is a medical phenomenon that in this day and age are usually born with featureless skulls that a baby has been born with this marvel of modern science. I for one am glad that this anomaly has been published for future newborns to aspire to"

There have also been reports that the baby has traits of both the mother and the father, although this remains unconfirmed

Resigned To The Fact...

A conversation between a few members of the Labour Party recently:

Member 1: Remember when Tony Blair said he was going to step down soon? Did he ever set a date for that?

Member 2: You know what, I'm not sure. Surely he would have done something like that.

M1: I've just checked my diary and he hasn't.

M2: The cheek of it, he said he would set a date and he hasn't. What if we were busy that day?

M1: Then he'd be screwed.

Member 3: Does it really matter, it's not like it really effects us what specific time Blair goes, I mean we know he'll be gone soon enough anyway. It's just semantics really

M2: Maybe to you it doesn't matter, but I missed the last one because it was my Gran's 75th and I don't want to look a fool again.

M1: I'm with you, someone should really sit down and have a talk with him and make him set a date. I've booked a holiday next Easter with Quantas Air and you know hard it is to cancel with them.

M2: Good idea, someone needs to let him know that we wont stand for this embarrassing lack of a finite date

M1: I know, I'll resign from my post as chief tea-maker

M2: I'm with you, I'll step down from Junior Vice Litter-picker-upper

M3: Are you sure this isn't a gross over-reaction - quitting your job over a mild inconvenience could ruin your careers surely.

M1: I disagree, if anything it's a vast under-reaction. Just this minute I was considering committing suicide on top of London Bridge dressed as Boo-boo from Yogi Bear to symbolise the metaphorical fecal matter of a mess Blair has made of all this date setting business, the one and only blemish on his entire reign.

M2: Too right old chap, we have given him enough chances to set it and he still won't answer us.

M3: That's because you haven't even asked him yet...

M1: What do you know. Come on let's get this ball rolling...

Later that day in 10 Downing Street Tony Blair hangs himself as the pressure of setting a date is too much. Dozens more MPs resign in protest of the Blair family not informing them of when the funeral will be.

|Fin|

Spot The Difference...

...or alternatively "How The Media Works"

Before


After

Chat's What I'm Talking 'bout

The rise of the chat show seems almost unstoppable with two brand new shows of this genre launching in the last week. To find out what it really takes to even get one of these shows commissioned, we asked media mogul Horatio McNabb to look over what makes a great chatshow;

The most important experience that keeps people engaged in chatting to one another is the fact that they have to like the person they are talking to - it just makes perfect sense doesn't it?! Never mind the subjects they may talk about, or indeed you may take a vested interest in the people they chat to, so long as you like them then it doesn't matter. That's why Sharon "Shazza" Osbourne is perfect as the host of the latest and greatest chat show ever. I mean look at all the skills she has - parenting skills (as evident by her wonderfully behaved and brought up children), marriage skills (as evident by her wonderfully behaved and socially adequate husband), people skills (as evident by her wonderful personality evident every week on X-factor as well as the fact everyone can relate to her living in two mansions on either sides of the world) as well as computer hacking skills. All of these factors add up to one great package - someone you would definitely want to live next door to and be best friends with and thus they would make a great chat show host.

People often say to me "But Horatio, why choose a celebrity to host the show, when there are so many people who are good at chatting who aren't famous. Mrs.Dinkleweather down the local post office can talk for England, so why not give her a chance". Now, I don't know Mrs. Dinkleweather, but I can bet that she doesn't have two mansions, and even if she did, nobody would care as she isn't a celeb. Fact is people don't care for chat shows with interesting questions or exciting conversation topics. They just want to hear celebs talking about any old rubbish on their tv screen like a glorified version of heat magazine without the words. Sharon knows this and regularly mocks the "chat show" by acting as if she is reading everything in a monosyllabic mess from the dullest autocue known to man, well aware that people are sitting by their TVs, lapping it up like an elixir to increase your brain knowing power - ironic eh?

Charlotte "Chazza" Church is another who regularly flaunts the conventional rules of the chat show - she harshly takes the mickey out of the very celebs who exist to populate her chat show. Some may say this is a foolish move, as the celebs will take offence and not come on the show just for the sake of her trying to play up to her controversial image given to her by the tabloids, but of course those people are wrong as I have proved before people are only bothered about the pictures than any substantial content. She again puts two fingers up by stealing content from other shows, dressing up as a man (!!!) and doing pranks on the general public much in the same way that Ant & Dec as well as Friday Night Project do, except much worse. She knows she is isn't making anything that hasn't been done better on about 100 shows before and is purposely making an ironic show to make a statement not only about the chat show industry, but about the society we live in. That's why the shows of her and Sharon work as some of the best television this country has ever produced.

Horatio McNabb is Commissioning Editor for Deal Illusion Productions

Answer Me

For those who are still wondering where all the letters from my brand new banner have come from, here is the complete rundown

B - Big Brother (or more specifically this year's opening credits of Big Brothers's big mouth)

A - Playstation

N - The Sun

D - Nintendo

W - Doctor Who

A - Star Wars

G - Google

O - Lost

N - Little Britain

B - Back to the Future

E - Neighbours

S - Friends

T - Nuts Magazine

It's wierd, as when I talked to people regarding this the ones which I thought would be some of the easiest to find (Big Brother, Star Wars, Little Britain) turned out to be some of the hardest. Of course I made the damn thing so it was easy for me.